I feel like I do this every year…
I DO do this every year.
Start writing yet again for a few months before I get tired, miserable, lose inspiration, lose interest and just generally give up hope of ever being successful till the next wave of inspiration comes along a few months down the line.
Why do I do it?
For the most part, I really enjoy writing, but it isn’t as simple as posting a blog, sitting back and watching the stats soar. It takes an awful long time before THAT happens.
Unfortunately, with every new post there’s a mountain of work that goes along with it. Once you hit publish, you can then quite easily lose hours at a time scheduling, planning, taking photo’s, interacting with other blogs/Instagram feeds, talking in blog chats (which can be enjoyable from time to time) and generally doing nothing but stare at a laptop screen for hours/days/months on end.
It’s exhausting, incredibly time consuming, and can totally quell the fire anyone might have for blogging. It isn’t just pure laziness that puts me off writing for months at a time, it’s a culmination of frustration, self-depreciation and jealousy that curb my enthusiasm.
Jealous of what?
Anyone remotely successful, I suppose. Anyone doing a little bit better than me, anyone doing something I wish I could do myself.. basically anyone that looks like they have their shit together.
Last year I met the most wonderful woman, and in getting to know her, I found myself becoming increasingly envious of her life, of how driven she was, she knew what career she wanted and was already well on her way to getting there. When I told her how I felt, she responded with ‘Well, look at what you’ve achieved’ and began reciting a little list of things.
Unfortunately, it didn’t matter. I could climb Everest tomorrow, but I know when I came back down, I’d still feel like I’ve done nothing with my life, at 23. I always expect so much more…
I wish my blog was successful, I wish I could flick a switch and gain followers. Instead I post what I believe is good content and see it fall flat, at least in comparison to other bloggers, which is tough when you invest so much time into it.
See there, that’s the problem.. ‘in comparison to other bloggers’. I shouldn’t weigh my success against others, it’s the route of all evil, for me and so many others, I’m sure. I spend so much time looking at other bloggers, and people generally, see what they’ve achieved and instead of me thinking ‘I can be just as successful’, I go into myself and think ‘I couldn’t ever achieve that, I’m not good enough’.
What I should be thinking of the things I do have. The ones my friend recited to me all those months ago. I have a job that pays the bills, a really good English degree, I’m reading for an MA, I have Lily (aka, my floating home), I have Nugget and, for what it’s worth, I do have my little corner of the internet, which when I actually invest the time, actually doesn’t fare too badly for itself (in my opinion, on a day where I’m feeling more positive).
But still, on a bad day, I’m not good enough.
I’m sure it’s an issue I will continue to struggle with for a long time, but for now, I’m hoping that working on something I enjoy, in a year where I’ve set my own personal, ACHIEVABLE goals (none of this ‘I’m going to lose 5 stone in a day, eat all the kale and be the best, most positive blogger in the world’ bullshit), I hope that by working more on my blog, something good will come from it…
At least, for a bit of a confidence boost, if nothing else.
So, without trying to make this brief post a counselling session, what I’m saying in this convoluted, round-about fashion is that I’m back. I’m not sure how long this burst will last for, hell, I never do, but who cares.
Right now, writing helps me feel productive, so I’ll do that for a bit. Till I lose interest, or become too busy, or get depressed with my lack of success.
Strap yourselves in and hold on to your hats…
Till next time,