Hi Lovelies, I hope you’re all well!
I’m sure you’re aware by now, I recently went through a break up. Boo.
While I wrote about my feelings on said break-up, I also talked about how I was planning on staying away from apps like Tinder and so on, because frankly, I find them depressing.
Well, I suppose I changed my mind.
I read an interesting article the other day, about the reasons why you find yourself stalking through your ex’s social media accounts (and that of all those girls he’s been talking to). It’s pointless me trying to deny I haven’t been looking, because I have. All those times I’ve felt crap, miserable and missed him like crazy, I’ve looked and seen how he clearly doesn’t give a shit, which makes me feel worse.
Sometimes I like to think he’s still having a good stalk through my shit as well (Hey hon, how are ya?), but it’s pointless dwelling on all that right now.
Back to this article… it talked about how even though you’re over an ex, mentally you’d finished it with them as soon as they forgot your name after months of seeing each other… *cough* you go back and reminisce because you’re bored.
You miss seeing his name flash up on your phone, you miss the conversation, the cuddles and the sex. Having that taken away from you and having to re-adjust is weird. It isn’t so bad when you’re chatting to friends or are busy at work, but when you’re left to your own devices and the only person texting you is Dominos with a half-price pizza offer, suddenly you find yourself typing out a ‘Hi, how are you?’ message to Satan’s prawn-dicked associate.
After reading the article, it kind of made a lot of sense to me. I don’t miss HIM, I miss the conversation and the excitement of meeting new people. The trouble is, you have to sift through a whole heap of fuckboys, wannabe gangsters and oddballs before you think you’ve found a golden nugget.
So I’ve been using a couple of dating apps, for a bit of variety, and I’ve compiled a little list of the things that I find SO annoying when you’re having a quick look at the local talent (if any).
Oh great, you’ve got snapchat, and that’s your username…
Do you want to write anything else about yourself in that blank space?
Is snapchat the only thing you do in life?
No ambitions, no job, no other interests?
Ok! *swipe left*
Emoji’s in a Bio
Bit like the Snapchat thing really. I’ve seen guys profiles that consist of a couple of cryptic emoji’s, like that’s really going to help potential matches figure out what you’re into.
Aside from code-breaking maybe?
When that happens you’re literally relying on photos, and if they’re not up to scratch, well the poor lad is screwed!
Erh, well actually…
No Bio at all or saying ‘I couldn’t be arsed thinking of something clever’
So basically you’re telling me you’re a lazy prick, and I have to work out if you’re worth the swipe right from a collection of crap too-close-to-your-face-in-bad-light selfies and a random shot of a couple of lads at a Stone Roses concert.
Copying a ‘clever’ bio from a website
This is another form of lazy.
We’ve all seen it, that one where a series of women have given this lad dressed in a suit ready to go to a wedding, or the races, or a court hearing, a ‘star rating’.
‘He’s a lovely boy, 5 stars’ Mum
‘Top lad, 5 stars’ Best mate
‘A great shag and a proper gent, 4 stars’ last Tinder conquest
‘Generic, unimaginative and boring, -10 stars’ me.
JUST group photos
This is quite possibly the worst version of ‘lucky dip’ known to man.
Sure, there’s a couple in the group you probably wouldn’t throw out of bed, but you know for a fact it isn’t any of them that have this profile.
Trouble is, you just know it’s the guy right at the back, barely visible, with a receding hairline, beady eyes and teeth that even Bugs Bunny would be embarrassed by.
I’m sorry honey, but it’s a no from me.
Photo’s with an Ex
Little bit awkward. It’s clear this guy isn’t really ready for a new relationship (but then, neither am I), and he’s a little bit stuck on the girl that broke his heart a few weeks ago.
I suppose it’s a double edged sword, if he’s standing next to a girl that looks a bit like you then you can feel pretty confident when you swipe that shit to the right. If he’s standing next to your polar opposite, feel free to swipe right but who knows whats going to happen.
Photo’s with a baby/kid
This might be different for broody girls, but for me, it’s an immediate no.
I don’t care if the kid is his, his mates, his sisters, whatever. He’s holding/playing with a child and looking happy about it.
Surely that means he wants kids right?
That’s another thing, if the kid actually IS his, don’t you think he’s been a little bit too open?
I mean, I know the point of a profile is to learn enough about the person to decide if you like them, but surely that’s a little bit TOO honest. I have friends who have dated people with kids, but they didn’t even see a photo of the child until a couple of dates in, not in the first 2 seconds of seeing the guy’s Tinder profile!
Everyone is different I suppose…
Isn’t it amazing how many people just LOVE skiing!?
It’s like, every other photo I see is of some guy kitted out in all his ski/snowboarding gear, ski’s in hand staring out at some picturesque snowy scene.
Do they actually think they’re showing off how unique and adventurous they are? Or do they realise they look like a sad clone of the last guy I just swiped left?
Just because mummy and daddy paid for you to go on a skiing trip with school ONCE, DOES NOT mean you’re a pro.
Guess what guys, I’ve been skiing too, does that make me adventurous, unique and interesting?
No, it makes me a person that did some stuff once.
Get over it.
‘I love to travel/ I’m saving up to travel’
Oh for god sake, don’t we all?!
Think of something else to say!
I mean, ok great you’d love to go backpacking around Asia and in your gap year you helped build a school for some kids in Africa, which is wonderful and good for you, but right now you’re living at home ‘in between jobs’ and you’ve barely got enough money for you to ‘travel’ on a bus into town, never mind exploring the Great Wall of China or sampling Kimchi in South Korea.
I’m sorry but it looks like the only place you’re travelling to is the left-hand side of my screen.
‘I’ll send you more personal photo’s if you swipe right’
Or the classic ‘what could go wrong?’ line.
Well my friend, quite a lot.
Chances are you’re an absolute munter, in which case, I’m sorry but I’m not interested. No amount of a ‘cracking personality’ can make up for the fact that you’ll have to walk around with someone who probably should permanently have a paper bag over their head.
OR, the guy isn’t supposed to be on a dating app in the first place, incase his girlfriend/wife’s friends find him and he gets binned of for being a cheat. Could you be arsed with the aggro of being ‘the other woman’?
Nah, me neither.
Sorry honey, not today.
Photo’s with a fluffy animal
Do they think we’re idiots?
Well, I’m sure some people on Tinder are actual idiots, but still..
I’m not sure what the guy is trying to say when they use a photo of themselves with a puppy as their ‘main’ profile picture; are you a kind, animal-loving nice guy, or are you hoping the girl will instantly imagine her future with you and the puppy, going on romantic walks together on the beach, taking it in turns to pick up the poop, and swipe right for the rest of her life..?
Or are they going on the assumption (or blind hope) that it will automatically give them a ticket to use a girls vagina for a night instead?
Just give me the puppy and piss off.
You’re how old?!
You’re 18, really?
Funny that, you’re profile photo is of you with your mates in school uniform and you all look fresh out of year 7.
What, do you think you’re cool trying to pull an older girlfriend that might go to the off licence and buy you cigs and alcohol?
There’s also the guy that has CLEARLY lied about their age.
I’ve looked at guy’s profiles and thought, you’ve got WAY too many wrinkles to actually be 24.. is your mother a Shar Pei?
Someone either needs to drink a seriously large cup of truth tea or start using some anti-wrinkle cream.
I recommend Nivea.
Oh, and the ones that tell you their 30, and then slowly start changing the number randomly in conversation, as though you’re not going to notice.
‘Oh so on my 32nd birthday…’
‘Wait, you’re 32? I thought you said you were 30?’
‘Did I? Oh sorry hon, yeah I’m 32’
‘And when I turned 39..’
*blocked, deleted, already chatting to someone else*
To be honest, even though I’ve been going trudging through all this shit again, I wouldn’t say it’s made me any happier. I still get bored and I still miss the familiar, but I suppose it provides me a little bit of entertainment for a while.
Then I get bored and start stalking Prawn-Dick again… *shakes head*
ANYWAY, if you’ve got any pet-hates on dating apps, don’t be shy, let’s have a good bitch in the comments section! Similarly, if you’ve got any interesting stories (good or bad), I want to know!
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Till next time,